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Issue # 30 | To Your Success | July, 2006 |
"You can accomplish anything in life, provided that you do not mind who gets the credit." ----- Harry S. Truman YOUR EGO - FRIEND OR FOE? How's your ego these days? Is it feeling healthy and balanced or bloated and fragile? As I'm sure you are aware, your ego is an integral part of you; at least it is if you're like the majority of us. Interestingly however, many of us prefer to think we don't have one or that if we do it's not very big and kept well in check. Some OTHER people in our lives though, my my, the size of their egos … they're as big as the Titanic (and just as vulnerable)! That we have an ego is not in question. What is in question is how our ego affects us, how it affects those in our lives, and whether we control it or it controls us. Perhaps we should begin by addressing what the ego is. In reviewing several dictionary references, the following three definitions surfaced: You've probably noticed that each of these definitions shows the ego in a different light. The first can be perceived as being either positive or negative, depending on ones point of view. The second would mostly be perceived as negative, and the third mostly positive. History suggests that truly enlightened individuals (spiritual masters) don't have or need an ego, they have shed it as unnecessary baggage. This isn't the case for most of us though. The reality is that 999,999.9 percent of us haven't yet achieved that rarified state so please excuse me if I assume that you are one of us, the 'not yet there' majority. Speaking of realities, another one is that many of us don't ALWAYS have our egos under complete control, which I tend to personally demonstrate from time to time. I had an experience recently where I was challenged on something that I had been a party to. It stung. My initial reaction was defensive because the comment pointed to my lack of good judgment in the situation, which isn't how I like to see myself. After stepping back for a moment though, recognizing that it was my ego reacting, and running it by my vision of 'who I aspire to be as a person' (refer to Issue 24 for more on that), I recognized that there was merit in the comment. So I was faced with a decision. Do I defend my ego and attempt to justify my actions or do I gratefully accept the opportunity to learn and grow? Yes, I know, it sounds like a no-brainer choice when laid out objectively but I can assure you that it's sometimes not quite so easy in the moment. In retrospect, I would grade my response as about 10 - 12 parts 'learn and grow' and 1 or 2 parts 'protect the ego' … not TOO bad, kind of like a martini that's somewhat palatable but not exactly one you'd order again (by the way, for a great classic dry martini recipe drop me a line, I'm happy to share). In any case, sometimes much of the learning and growth follows after the original opportunity so I'm still benefiting from the experience. But let's go back to the ego for a moment and what it actually is. Our ego is really nothing more than a compilation of our thoughts about who we are based on our personal and cultural conditioning, as well as past experiences. It's an identity we've created for ourselves … it's how we see us and who we think we are. And once created, we protect it fiercely. Interestingly, ego identification can involve either a positive or negative self-image. It may position us as being 'smart', 'physically or mentally strong', 'attractive', 'successful', 'a meticulous house keeper', 'a prominent business person', 'needed', or 'a terrific cook'. It may also position us as being 'unattractive', 'non-athletic', 'non-musical', 'unhealthy', 'a victim of poor upbringing', or 'unlucky'. Interestingly, whether our ego identity is desirable or otherwise, once we've taken it on we will fight to protect it ... often to our own detriment. In dealing with people in both my business and personal life my experience is that despite appearances to the contrary ego's are often very insecure and constantly in need of reinforcement … and typically the bigger and louder the ego the more fragile it is. I've also observed that much of what we do and say is solely for the purpose of bolstering and protecting this 'picture of self'. When in the company of others perceived as being some kind of threat to our ego's position, we feel competitive. We find ourselves saying and doing things to impress and to verify or assert this identity. It's instinctive, not premeditated. Our ego insists that we CAN'T appear less than … we MUST protect our image. If our self-identity is that of someone who is very smart or an expert of some kind, we may find ourselves always needing to be right. If on the other hand it's of someone who has a great deal of illness, we may find ourselves constantly one upping the ailment stories of others. Strange isn't it, how we can latch onto something that no one in their right mind would choose to be, take it on as our identity, and then justify, protect and crow about it as though it were something of value. Funny beings us humans. The reality is however that our ego is NOT who we are, we are actually the self beyond the ego, the one who can see it for what it is if we just wake up and pay attention. We CAN recognize it as just an accumulation of thoughts that have become our identity, an identity that is very often a complete fabrication … something we've created because our family, culture, or society has led us to believe that that's who we should be. Strangely, we may not even enjoy this role we've adopted, yet we perpetuate and protect it, as in "I am strong and independent … I don't get emotional or have any need to be shown tenderness or love!" Heaven forbid that we appear weak or vulnerable. Becoming consciously aware of our ego allows us to make better choices. We don't have to always respond to its beck and call. We can choose to feed it or to put it on a diet. We can choose to let it run on a controlled leash or to put it back in its cage. An important realization is that although our ego is a part of us, as are our hands and feet, it is not US. We can lose a hand or foot but we will still be us. So it is with the ego, as we are so much more than it's little sense of self. We are the ones who can see it for what it is and deliberately choose to rein it in or set it aside as befits the occasion. The previous three definitions from the dictionary give us clues as to the challenges and opportunities related to the ego. The first challenge (associated with the first definition, The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.) lies in seeing ourselves as distinct, or separate, from others, which is how the ego does see itself. It doesn't see itself as being one with the with the ocean of humanity, but rather as an island. With this separateness comes a strong need to be right, to win, to come out on top. This may be beneficial in competitive sports but certainly not when it comes to developing and maintaining meaningful relationships. If we permit our ego free rein in this area it will definitely NOT be our ally. For this purpose we must set the ego aside and allow our true self to connect with the true self of the other. The second challenge (associated with the second definition, An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.) lies in allowing our sense of self and importance to become blown out of proportion. This is seldom attractive to others and often leads to painful deflation sooner or later. So once again, here the ego becomes more foe than friend. The opportunities (associated with the third definition, Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.) lay in using our good feelings about ourselves and our accomplishments to generate confidence and a healthy, positive belief in our abilities and potential. We can use THIS sense of self in a constructive way, as a motivator to move forward, to stretch ourselves and become everything we are capable of being. Perhaps this is actually a healthy ego … one that has respect for others and respect for the real self that is its master. At the very least, it is a friend and ally. So, what is YOUR ego identity, how has it positioned you? How would you describe its condition and behavior … is it bloated yet hungry, fragile and running loose … or healthy, balanced, respectful and under your conscious care? Remember that you are, or can be, its master. It can be a conscious choice. "It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." ----- John Wooden Are you a 'working from home' business owner who's serious about succeeding? Yes, you CAN achieve business success without compromising your values. Tap into my 30 plus years of practical knowledge and business experience to build a rock solid foundation for your business success! Order your 'do at home' E-Course workshop manual today! To Your Success, Reg Neufeld and the Growing Into Success Training Team Growing Into Success Training SHARE WITH FRIENDS!... If you’re enjoying this free newsletter you can pass it along by forwarding this issue to a friend who might appreciate it. Should they wish to receive it regularly they can be automatically added to our subscription list simply by emailing newsletter@growingintosuccess.com with their name and ‘subscribe’ in the subject box. 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